Random thoughts with Paige

So, today has not been a good day. I really wanted to have a blog that I could just go to from time to time and 'be real.' You know? About stuff that is painful and ugly, and that just downright stinks. But I don't have that yet, so today I am writing for me, the writer, and not for anyone else. If you are a personality that will be offended by the truth, steer clear of this one:

I was day dreaming, more like day-maring earliar, and I started to wonder why life gets harder as we age. I guess that is why 'they' say "the older the wiser." Is it because we experience more pain as we grow, or because we actually are learning more?

I look at my children and I see what is hard for them. Crawling, walking, eating, communication all around. Difficult things for them, not for me.
Then I look at my life. Raising children eleven months apart. paying all of the bills on time. having time for my marriage. or a shower. I see people get sick. babies getting sick. people dying. War. Soldiers leaving for war. Motor vehicle accidents. the dang swine flu. cancer. losing a family pet. murders. yatta yatta....

I guess this all sounds pretty negative, but today is a negative day for me.

I'm an honest person, almost to a fault, and right now I'm not seeing the light in the dang 'ole tunnel.

I'm just angry.

I don't want anyone telling me that "Everything happens for a reason" or any of that mess we say when there is nothing else to say. I just want to be mad for one day without anyone trying to tell me to get over my mood.

I'm mad.

I'm mad because I don't live in California anymore and that I live in Louisiana. I'm sick of waking my babies up to mosquito bites ON THEIR FACES.

I'm mad because I never graduated college and can't get a decent job to support my family (minus daycare costs) in this state.

I'm mad because bills suck. Where do they come from? They are everywhere, everyday.

I'm mad that after I had two babies my fabulous shoes no longer fit and I now wear flip flops everyday.

I'm mad because people shouldn't be dying to defend this selfish country I live in.

I'm mad because no one understands what ANYTHING is like UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU. Not a clue.

I'm mad because people judge other people because they are not the same.

I'm mad because our country is ill-educated on politics and foreign policy, and they vote accordingly.

I'm mad at friends that say they are friends but are nothing but people I know and have to deal with from time to time. I don't want the kind of friends that gossip about their other friends' choices when they are not around. I absolutely do not want those kind of people in my life.

And, mostly I'm mad because most of these things will never change. It will never be different than this. People just accept that this is it, and that it has always been that way, so why change it?

Is this REALLY IT?

I am just noticing how real,

and hard

and crappy

this life is sometimes.

Ugh. Boo. Arr. Ugh.

Please let the sun set soon.