I can hear the quote in my head "God closes a door so you can open a window." But for me, if I don't listen patiently enough I can't hear the birds on the windowsill singing. Change is something I have experienced quite a bit in my life. It keeps me growing, learning. I like this age, or place, or whatever I should call it about my life that I can say I'm still humbly finding my way to who I am. I gave up the last quarter of a Physical Therapist Assistant degree to be a stay at home Mother. Now, quickly it would be easy to judge my decision and find reason to think of weakness. It was the complete opposite. I spent weeks trying to figure out what was wrong with my tiny baby that couldn't gain weight. I had failed him, or so I thought. Later we discovered his allergy to my breast milk. Weeks after that discovery, Russ and I had another one. I was pregnant again. I was scared to death and neither one of us felt like anyone would be supportive seeing that we had just delivered H. This was not my first time to deal with speculation :) I knew I wanted a son first and I wanted a daughter second. I know we shouldn't try and pick what we want, but I'm too honest to lie about it. I was lucky I guess.... I do know it was planned far beyond " my wants."
As for growing and changing, There are things I can tell you that I was sure of. And like many things, I find myself to be wrong. I NEVER thought I could be a boring, no-make-up wearing, plain Jane, constantly baking, stay at home mother...until I was one for two and a half years. What an idiot I had been. I realized quickly how selfless this job was. Who had time for make-up or shampoo? And , I now love to bake :) As a SAHM I thought, how could I ever let someone else take care of my children? How selfish working Moms were for dropping off their children to fulfill personal career goals...until I was one. What an idiot I had been, again. Where is the fullfillment when the guilt outweighs all other things? Seeing your children for one point five hours a day stinks. Knowing that they are now comfortable with someone else all day , and not you, feels just wonderful.
Over the last year I have worked with amazing patients and brilliant colleagues. And, I was able to learn even more about how I can't understand any situation until I'm in it. Being at home with babies all day was hard for me in many ways. Being at work and not seeing them other than in their carseats or table seats eating dinner was hard for me. Now, I know it will not ever be EASY, but sometimes a balance is due. To weigh the two isnt fair. We all just do the best we can.
It will be a challenge either way.
I'm grateful that I am still growing and hope to continue on my journey....as a SAHM starting tomorrow.
Hopefully, this means I can learn how to use my embroidery machine, sew a dress for my daughter and Blog more than twice a year!
